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#2

Don’t allow your past to hold you back. Your past is your foundation, not your gravity. Build on it and move upward to your future. 

late night rant 2.0 : my ex and life

I’m going to fucking cut a bitch cus idk why i give a flying fuck =.=

I guess it is because he was my first true love he will always have the certain place in my heart. This feeling… idk if its fear or insecurity. I know for a fact that i’m over him in a romantic sense but I have this undying feeling of trying to beat him. Weather it is in education, looks, body, people who we like, people who we hook up with, basically our lives. 

The first blow to me was that the nigga got accepted to ALL of the universities he applied to except like… 2. Which means he got into like 7 schools which included all of my dream schools. I on the other hand failed so hard. Funny that I’m going to UC Davis because the only reason why I applied was because UC Davis was his top school and I applied just because we thought it would be cute if we dated through college too. 

Second blow was the amount he changed… I totally see why I thought he was so fucking adorable… Like his body image and looks like a fucking kpop idol or some mutha fucking ulzzang… like i can’t. The amount of body grooming and amount of effort he puts on styling himself is amazing. We have the same circle of friends and its obvious on who is the ‘better’ looking. I basically only wear shorts and a tank and the ex wears a mutha fucking costume wear ever he goes. Like… I feel so ugly next to him… Like when we dated I never felt like this before, but now that we are separate i’m like… DAM BOY… why did you even date me? He is a major major fob and i’m… well… I’m just a potato that is getting fatter and fatter.

This brings me on to people who we attract. He gets the cute and classy looking guys, and I NEVER get hit on… Like I said, we have the same circle of friends so whenever we go out he is always the one that gets hit on and i’m the only one that doesn’t. Fuck tumblr. tumblr isn’t real life. so things that go on here doesn’t count, because i have yet to meet someone in person to ask for my number. Every time we go out I’M ALWAYS THE ONE TO APPROACH PEOPLE… Like it bugs me because I feel like a fucking slut. Like going around the club and approaching people because they don’t approach me or asking guys for the number. And rejection is hard… like… ALL of the guys i find interest in never have interest in don’t have interest in me. Like in Boston I was dancing with this dude and he just turns around and goes, “i’m sorry, i’m a bottom i don’t know what how to dance with other bottoms.” I’m like…. what the flying fuck…. who the hell says i’m a bottom… I know i look twinky and i know i’m short… but its not fair if i only attract old horny pedoes. All the tall buff guys rather go for the skinny twinks rather then a big boned guy.

I guess thats the case when I hang out with my ex. Basically he is a more korean looking, skinnier, better looking, and twinkier version of me… (he is the same height as me) so it just sucks…. Like… big time… 

saying all that… I guess i’m just jealous of him since he is doing better then me… I feel as if i’m failure and a psycho path. Like out of my friends i feel as if i’m the most fucked up and i’m the dude that doesn’t have all his shit together. See the ex being all high and mighty makes me feel defeated =.= idk… things have been hella weird for me these days…

Boston helped a lot… but at the same time it fucked up with my feeling to… so i’m just staying at home… trying to figure my shit out. Like legit… i just want to die off the face of the planet and rediscover myself and change myself to the person i want to be… idk maybe its really late and i’m over thinking… i need to sleep…

What Korea means to me

After reactivating my facebook i realized that about half of my friends are all in korea… The amount of pictures that people posts makes my heart ache so much because i want to be there to… but at the same time I’m glad i’m here in America.

I don’t know. For me Korea seem to be just a place to vacation. I guess if i went to Korea I would only be in Seoul and that place be crazy. Like last time i went, the whole experience felt like a dream. Everything was so high paced and surreal. I LOVE the city feel and i LOVE my countries culture. But lately… I feel like i’m losing touch with my Korean side.

I have stopped listening to kpop and I don’t watch any Korean shows anymore. My style of clothes have slowly become ‘idontgiveafuck’ style rather then my ‘wannabefob’ style from few years back. I realized that I speak less Korean and it is as if i’m avoiding making Korean friends… It didn’t hit me until today that even my communication skills have gotten worse. I’ve never been crazy fluent in Koran, but I’ve ALWAYS been able to hold conversations with my dad and grandparents my whole life. Today while eating out for father’s day my grandparents could not understand a single thing i was trying to say. I was so shocked… like it almost hurt…

Another thing that hurt was that… my conversations with my dad died down a lot too… We argue a lot because of our language barrier. It sucks because i understand everything he says, but my mind and voice doesn’t match up as some random shit comes out in the form of ㅁ이ㅓㅏㄴ라민ㅇ;ㄻ and he gets mad at me. He asked me today why I always ask for 엄마 and not him. and it hurt me soooooooo bad because i wanted to tell him because she understands me better but i couldn’t because my words didn’t make sense in korean…

I don’t know has happened to me in the past few months… Like i LOVE korean culture. I love my country. I love my people. I love my language. But why have I been avoiding it so much?

Idk… this is really bugging me… just some late night thinking…

Past, present, future

The past is what grounds you

The future is what want to be prepared for

and the present is what you enjoy

Bitter sweet tears

Saying good bye isn’t so bad when you know there is going to be a hello soon, but when you realize that there will be no hello ever again…. The heart is torn. 

Responsible Drinking

so many of levels or ratchet 

unprofessional

Working at a high end retail with a high volume of customers requires a certain level of professionalism. Holding your self with class is required in everything you do, whether it be dealing with customer service or management. When you are representing a global brand with a huge market you don’t pull bullshit to your employees. Communication is key. 

Just because you are general manager of the store and you have the power over the employees, does not mean that you should abuse it. It is truly sad that everyone in the store is scared of you and keep their mouth shut about the terrible management because they fear they with lose their job.I

I don’t know what you were trying to pul 

First Love

There is that one person who I will always have that special place in my heart for. I’m totally over the break up, but I will always remember the emotions that I’ve felt when i was with that person.

Please… Don’t misinterpret my intentions. I’m done and over. still not sure what we are now, but to me you will always be my first love

no regrets

no looking back

Study for finals? Nope purged all my feelings to my best friend as we talked for 8 hours straight… I feel better… I’m at peace now.

April 2013

Future Nathan,

Look back and remember. The downs of April 2013. The tears. The pain. The struggle. All the shit that went down, remember it all and remember the people who were there for you. I hope whenever I’m reading this again, that I have made the right choices that I’ve made in April. Its dark and scary. I don’t want to be in limbo stage of depression/stress/disappointment. I want to be able to look back and say I made the right choices. 

Stay strong Nathan :3 you can do it!

Fill this in with stuff about you

Good bye, baby good bye
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